Adoption

     I’m really torn up down & sideways.  Some days I think I ABSOLUTELY MUST HAVE more children.  I hate myself because I chickened out of more pregnancies.  I want another baby.  I want to be pregnant so badly.  I want another child.
     What is this urge to adopt?  Is it selfishness?  Am I just greedy for kids when I should be satisfied with my four beautiful ones?  Do I think that having six or seven kids will make me more godly, more admirable, more whatever than I am now?
     Maybe it’s guilt.  I have all this guilt for having a wonderful life, for living with plenty of food and clothes and movies and TV and computer and books and pets and my husband and my piano….  I just can’t imagine settling down to be a writer.  YES!  It’s what I want to do.  I want to sit and write and write and write.  (I’m actually sick right now because I sent out my first bit of my novel and no one commented at all.  The silence was deafening.)  But how can I excuse living in the lap of luxury doing exactly what I want to do and having a fine old time when people are suffering and dying all around me?  And will writing another book really do anything to alleviate that?
       Is guilt really a good reason to take on three physically and emotionally damaged children that may strain my marriage and harm my children?
       People say that God directs our steps and gives us our dreams and desires.  I wish I could be sure this is a good dream, a good desire.  How can I dare to do it without a word from Him?  I guess I can’t.  I can’t take “wanting to” as a good enough reason.  I can’t say, ”Well, he’d stop me if he didnt’ want me to do it.”  I really, really have to wait until he says something. 
       I’m not very good at waiting.