I have been raised with Christ to a new life, and I should aim and and seek the rich eternal treasures that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God (Ps 110:1). I should set my mind and keep it set on what is above, higher things, and not on the things that are on the earth. For, concerning this world, I am dead, and my new, real life is hidden in Christ… Col 3:1
If my new real life is hidden in Christ, what part of me just spent the morning yelling at my husband? And how can I seek rich, eternal treasures? Keep my mind set on what is above…
What is above? God is, Christ is. Purity is. Sometimes I have trouble hooking scripture into life. Scripture is supposed to hook on and jack life up. It’s supposed to be powerful to move and alter earthy life. To move and alter my behaviour. To move the bones in my head. to make a substantive difference in me, in how I think, in how I act, in who I am.
But in order for it to do that, I have to be able to apply it to something real in my life. I have to see the application. I have to see how to use it. How to change what I am doing to fit it. Scripture is my plumb line, but it does me no good if I can’t figure out how to align the bricks to meet it.
How do I “rid myself completely of all anger, rage, bad feeling toward others, curses and slander, and foulmouthed abuse and shameful utterances from my lips!” I certainly had bad feeling towards my husband today. I abused him. I am sure I shamed myself before God by what I said. How can I rid myself of it.
There is something lurking in my heart that is still very, very angry with him. I keep trying to say I forgive him for leaving me alone with a little baby, I forgive him for getting me pregnant, I forgive him for first not being willing to get a better job and make more money, and then secondly for taking a job that left us alone so much. But obviously the root of bitterness is still alive and well. Despite all my mouth forgiving, my heart is clutching the offense.
The mornings he wouldn’t wake up and play with us. The weekends where he was dead tired and emotionally unavailable. The way he overturned all my attempts to make D sleep through the night. His weaknesses, and foolishnesses. I am angry with him for not being strong, for making mistakes, for wasting his money on penny stocks and lottery tickets, for not wanting to go anywhere or do anything with me. All the wasted time in our lives… for not being there when I was injured, or when the kids were sick and I had to do it all myself. For closing himself off from me.
I would, personally, never endure being treated the way I treat my husband. I am as quick to discipline and correct him as I am the kids. If he tries to make a decision I jerk it out from under him. I am angry and distrustful of his decisions. And it seems like whenever I turn my back on him, he slides into a slump again- the kids watch TV, the house falls to pieces, he doesn’t get to bed on time… he leaves corn chips and popsicle sticks on my computer.
Lord, where is all this anger coming from?
“Wives, be subject to your husbands (subordinate and adapt yourselves to them), as is right and fitting and your proper duty in the Lord.”
If I adapted myself to my husband, instead of requiring my husband to adapt to me… well, I’m afraid of doing that. I’m afraid he would hurt me. He would hurt the kids. He would make huge mistakes. I claim I don’t even know what he wants- that he doesn’t provide direction and leadership, but I think the truth is that I fear being subject to any man. On some deep level, I think I believe he is my enemy who would hurt me and neglect me if he could. How do I undo that fear?
